healing & humor
If we’re lucky, we get through the angry teenager phase of healing. Not only realizing, but embracing the responsibility of healing from things that happened to us or that were placed upon her shoulders by others. The phase where we call ”bullsh*t” as often as we sigh exhaustively. Then, eventually.. hopefully we get to that yummy peaceful stage. This is for anyone who can’t see the other side of the hill yet. My intention is to help others feel less alone, to help myself heal, and to help others smile along the way.
The thing is, it takes guts to not only survive trauma but then admit we’re not OK afterward. In my 20s I lived in a deep depressive state for over 4 years. Of course, I didn’t know it was depression at the time. In the same stage of life, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. I didn’t know that 5-year relationship that I experienced could be categorized as “abusive” until afterward. Catching a theme here? Sometimes it takes our brain a minute to catch up to what our intuition knows. (Sometimes that “minute” can be years.) I started piecing things together. I used to wear makeup to hide how I was really doing, to appear “together.” I wear makeup now because I’m happy and it makes me smile. For me it’s child-like the same way playing with paint is - just for the sake of playing.
Losing trust in your intuition is a heartbreak greater than can be described in a few paragraphs. It feels like there’s a veil over you, dampening every experience. I felt muted and somehow blurry. Even though the “self-help” industry seems to be overrun with yoga posed posts and uplifting inspirational quotes, positivity has its place in healing.
I’ve been told I’m above average when it comes to being a positive person. Sidenote: I’ve found that people are more annoyed than glad when you say that you’re happy than when you say you’re having a sh*tty go of things. I think it’s a sign of mental intelligence that someone is positive or solution oriented. It’s easy to be negative, it’s easy to see the shortcomings – it takes far more effort to use your muscles to look up then to let your head hang down. Neuroscience actually shows how positive thinking affects brain chemistry and the physical structure of neural networks through the process of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brains ability to re-organize itself by forming new neural connections in response to thoughts, experiences, and actions. Repeating new, positive behaviors increases neuron communication, forms new* neurons, and strengthens the neural networks responsible for those behaviors. HENCE, daily actions from choosing optimism, to getting exercise, to practicing mindfulness - literally re-shapes your brain and determines which patterns are most easily accessed in the future.
So when I tell you I have spent almost 10 years telling my brain, my gut, my body, my heart etc. how to evolve and that it has had an extremely beautiful effect on my life, I mean it. This is not where I get out the megaphone and tell you what you should do, what affirmations you should say or how to treat your body. Not only is every single person different and needs a different prescription, but every experience is relative. However, this is* where I tell you to be kind to yourself. This is where I tell you that, with effort, you will see more beauty than pain. With effort, you will feel more peace than sorrow. With effort, you will make yourself proud and you will make yourself smile (again).
Trusting yourself after so much time of doubt feels so savory. To me, healing is starting to feel complete trust in myself and my decisions again. And if you don’t know where to start, I will offer a thought. You may take it or you may just nod in the thought’s general direction. My feelings will not be hurt (mostly because I have no idea who is reading this). The thought: ask yourself questions and don’t stop. Get curious about every action you take and why you take it. Ask yourself: what value this person is adding to your life, why do I feel uneasy about this decision, has this uneasiness ever come up before, is this a pattern in their behavior, etc.
Little did I know two simple questions would guide my gut and have not failed me since I started asking them. They are: “Does ___ make me feel safe?” and “Does ___ make me feel free?” Whether it’s a person’s name in the blank space (friendship/romantic), a career, or an environment - the answer to those questions will tell you exactly who, what and when to cut loose that which is not adding value to your life. This is why my circle of friends is sooo tiny. This is why I love, trust and cherish each and every person in my closest circles. This is why I changed my number. This is why I do not give everyone access to me. This is why I’m currently single ha ha. And this is why I’m f*cking happy.
I thought I was happy in previous stages of my life, previous versions of myself. Maybe I was, to an extent. But I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this much peace and giddiness before. Fear not, I am still a brilliantly imperfect human being in therapy and working through more of life’s lovely sh*t-sandwhiches. However, me liking myself whether I’m smiling, applying for jobs, or with tears rolling down my cheeks feels a lot like I’m in the right place at the right time. I used to numb myself any way I could (different story on a different day). Now, I express myself in anyway in every way that feels good to me, distance myself from those who make me feel like I need to hide my goofiness, and I enjoy my company so much that anyone who does not add value to that company does not exist in my space.. for long. It feels illegal in the best way.
I hope for every person, especially women, to feel like that.
